


Never At The Same Time

by ImJustNutty



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Predestination, Virmire, characters dying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-04
Updated: 2014-12-05
Packaged: 2018-02-28 03:38:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2717477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImJustNutty/pseuds/ImJustNutty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a sad and established fact that Kaidan cannot exist while Ashley does, and Ashley cannot live if Kaidan does. It makes it even more depressing when they fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, which just goes to show that the world goes on whether there are holes in the picture in the end or not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crossing Stars

Virmire was one of the more pleasant planets they had visited, thought Ashley. Plenty of foliage, strange floating little creatures that drifted aimlessly around, some waltzing blissfully unaware into the Mako as they charged through the shallow water. She peered through the scope, firing another round of bullets into a geth armature.   
“Got it!” she said triumphantly, before the Mako lurched and she nearly fell off her chair. Unfortunately Kaidan, who was peering out of the small window, tipped backwards and landed on her lap unceremoniously. He let out a gurgled yelp of embarrassment and quickly grabbed onto the nearest thing, which happened to be the Mako’s machine gun control panel. Ashley shoved him off her by the shoulders as he pushed himself off, accidentally setting off a barrage of bullets.   
“Get off you oaf! We’re wasting ammo!” she hissed, though he had only set it off for a while and it was hardly going to overheat from that. He muttered some apologies with a slightly reddened face, before he was sent crashing to the other side of the compartment as Shepard decided to try a barrel roll that Joker would have been ashamed to see. Ashley was hardly mad at Kaidan. Who could possibly hold a grudge against that adorable face and lovable personality, really? Garrus grabbed Kaidan by the shoulder and pulled him into the empty chair beside him firmly.   
“You might not want to fall and break your head right before a mission this crucial. Or, you know, break the head of the person who’s in charge of taking out the geth in the Mako’s way,” Garrus advised, one hand clinging tightly to his seat belt straps, other hand ready to shove Kaidan back into his seat if Shepard’s bad driving skills came into play before he could fasten his seat belt.  
Ashley squinted through the scope. “Commander, I see the base up ahead. They’re under attack!” she yelled, before unleashing more fire.   
“I’ll take us closer…” Shepard muttered, but before she could, the Mako lurched with a thunderous creak as one of the geth armatures had a direct hit to the side of the vehicle. Lights flashed red about them as Ashley’s head spun from the impact. She vaguely remembered pulling on the lever for the machine gun, but sparks flew out and it wouldn’t budge. Light and fresh air suddenly flooded into the cramped space as someone—either Garrus or Shepard—wrenched the door open, guns ablazing and ready to crush the opponents, Mako or no. She tried to focus, fingers fumbling on the seat belt buckle.   
Then Kaidan reached over, yanking the belt free from across her. She looked at him blankly.   
“C’mon Ash, time to go. Don’t think the Mako’s going to last much longer,” he said, passing her weapons to her before firmly guiding her out of the vehicle by the shoulder. By the time she landed ankle deep in clear water, instinct took over and she charged toward the nearest geth. She swung her rifle about, using the butt to break in the head of the creature in front of her, before spinning on her heel and kicking the joint of the other’s leg (she refused to call them knees—they were not human or sentient aliens, to her knowledge. They were also scum of the galaxy). It crumpled to the ground, and she turned the rifle and fired it point blank to its head.   
“Williams, get behind cover!” yelled Shepard, as she picked off a geth that nearly shot her barely two metres away with a biotic throw.   
“Yes ma’am!” Ashley replied, diving behind a rock. Taking a moment to catch her breath, she turned her head to peer over the rock. She saw Kaidan hurling biotic blast after blast, whole body glowing with energy.   
Kaidan Alenko. Such a brilliant lieutenant, gifted and cursed with his great power. Ever since Commander Jane Shepard had allowed her to join their strange military family she had spoken to him quite frequently during their breaks. She knew that he had suffered immensely in his childhood to reach this level of biotic proficiency. She knew that he was dedicated to serving his people and protecting his family, with a steadfast moral code and unshakeable resolve.   
She also knew that he was quite smitten with their commander.  
Ashley leapt out from behind cover, taking down more geth. Three, four, five… yet still more could be seen, the salarians slowly but surely falling back. Shepard stormed forward, pistols firing. “Alenko, warp that metal bastard!” she yelled, and as he did so she fired, sending three more of the robots to their graves (if they could die, in the conventional sense of the word).   
Ashley felt like she was struggling to keep up. Commander Shepard. Their glorious leader who had proven worthy to lead them all charging straight into what seemed like certain death. She was a strong woman in all aspects, whether physically or mentally. She could easily send an opponent to the ground either with her bare hands, with her biotics, or with just sweet-talking them, like if you would be so kind as to just lie on the floor because I am asking so nicely thank you.   
If there was anyone that Kaidan would love, it would be Shepard.  
If there was anyone that Kaidan deserved, it would also be Shepard.   
She felt her shields deplete slightly as a stray bullet grazed her armour. She twisted about to pick off another couple of geth.  
Eventually the blizzard of metal fragments came to a gradual end, and Garrus announced the all-clear. The party walked forward to meet the salarians, led by Kirrahe. When they were told that they needed to wait for Joker to land the Normandy, Ashley felt slightly relieved. That initial battle had already left them exhausted, with some of them sustaining minor injuries. They were hardly ready to storm Saren’s base.   
Then came the minor shitstorm that was Wrex’s objection to their decision to destroy the cure for the genophage. Shepard had asked her to keep her gun at the ready, to be prepared to take down the krogan should things get ugly. She kept her eyes on Wrex as he fired his shotgun at nothing, gazing blankly across the lake. Ashley could understand his pain, and she knew she wouldn’t ever be able to live it down if she had to take down her comrade like this. To her surprise, after a brief exchange, Wrex put down his weapon and silently followed Shepard. When Shepard announced that all would be well and Wrex would not cause any trouble, she released a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. Kaidan gave a short laugh of relief next to her, and with a warm smile directed to the back of Shepard’s head, he said, “Looks like she did it again.”  
It could have been a twinge of envy that Ashley had right then, watching him smile at Shepard like that. She hadn’t told him much about herself. She wondered if he would ever like her that much, if he knew how much she loved poetry, how much she worked for what she wanted. Would he appreciate her? Ashley studied his face as she pondered this. Kaidan glanced at her, and turned to face her with an uncertain smile.   
“Um…why are you looking at me like that?”  
Damn, he was cute.  
“No reason.”

 

As she marched forward, Kirrahe’s empowering speech still thundering in her mind, she tried to suppress the ugly thought that Shepard sent her to lead the salarians because she wanted to protect Kaidan. Both Kaidan and she were equally well suited to the task of leading the salarians as the decoy group. Or perhaps Shepard really trusted her more. Ashley trusted Shepard despite not knowing her for that long, but she couldn’t help but have her suspicions. She had thought Shepard didn’t return Kaidan’s (very obvious) feelings, but maybe she was wrong.   
Either way, that wasn’t important.   
“Enemies ahead! You and you, take that side. On the count of three, we charge. Ready? One, two, THREE!”   
Despite her initial distrust of alien races Ashley had grown to realise that there were hardly any differences when it came to the military. There was always the discipline, the selfless desire to do what was needed, the skill and ingenuity that arises from a brotherhood. The salarians, though more inclined to the sciences, were no less incapable. They cleared the room of enemies quickly. Had she been surrounded by her former squad, they couldn’t have done it better.  
Sadly, the odds were against them. From that point on as they kept going they only faced more challenges. Shepard did her best to take the heat off them by taking down their reinforcements and communications, but it hardly seemed enough. Slowly but surely Ashley watched in stifled horror as Kirrahe’s men fell one by one beside her feet, a reminder of Eden Prime all over again. She clamped down on her rising panic as bullets wore down her shields.   
She pressed on, regardless.  
Eventually they reached their destination, where the bulk of Saren’s army was. She heard the news of Shepard’s party rigging up the bomb, but all she could focus on were the cries of dying salarians as they fought for their lives. When Shepard called for reinforcements to rescue them, she felt like crying from relief. But there wasn’t even time for that, as another one of the salarians crumpled in a bloodied heap not too far away.  
And then Saren’s reinforcements came for Kaidan.  
She could hear the distress, the strain in Shepard’s voice as Kaidan pleaded for them to save Ashley. Ashley didn’t even have time to process that as she immediately protested his request. She couldn’t let Kaidan die. Not for her. She didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve it.   
Kaidan had to live.   
“Commander, go back for the lieutenant.” Could she really say that with no regrets? She leaned back against the crate, ignoring the painful throbbing in her thigh where a bullet was embedded. Sarah would miss her, that dearest sister of hers. Her family would, but they would be proud that she died defending the galaxy from the forces of damnation. She supposed going to heaven now would be about a good time as ever.   
Kaidan could get together with Shepard, and she wouldn’t have to deal with watching it happen.  
“Radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site.”  
That was it. The Commander would go back to save the Lieutenant. The sacrifice would be the gunnery chief. Jane Shepard would go back to save Kaidan Alenko, and Ashley Williams was alright with that.  
“I’m sorry, Ash,” said Shepard.  
She wanted to say that there was no need to apologise. She wanted to say that she wanted her to make Kaidan happy, as a favour from a friend. Instead she bade Shepard farewell, as a fellow comrade. “It’s the right choice, LT. It has been an honour working with you.”  
She said it both to Shepard and to Kaidan. She realised, as she fired the last of her ammunition into a swarm of geth, that she also meant it to the rest of the squad. They had made fine friends.  
That was the last she thought as she squeezed the trigger, only for her last thermal clip to overheat. She glanced around her, the dead salarian squad. She wondered if they would go to the same heaven, or perhaps the same hell she believed existed.   
She pushed herself up with the last of her energy. “Come and get me!” she roared, smashing the head of a geth in with the back of her rifle, and ripping the arm off another one just as a krogan mercenary charged into her, knocking the breath right out of her lungs. She dimly felt the pain of bullets piercing through her armour, and she found herself lying on the floor. As her vision faded to black, she thought of warm brown eyes, an easy laugh, and glowing blue flames wrapped around strong but scarred hands that had felt much pain.   
And then Ashley Williams died.

 

Then she woke up.  
She sat up before the sleeping pod could open fully and bit back a curse as her forehead hit the glass surface with an undignified thwack. When it did eventually open she slid right out, blinking back tears from the pain and from the memory.  
So that’s what happened this time.  
How this was happening, she didn’t know. She vaguely remembered what had happened—there was Virmire, and then she was with the salarians, and finally there was Shepard’s decision. This was not the first time, but Ashley couldn’t say how many times it had been. Before too long she wouldn’t remember what just occurred…  
…why was she standing in the middle of the sleeping area, rubbing at her forehead again?  
Commander John Shepard had rescued her from Eden Prime just the day before. If not for him and Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko arriving just on time, she would probably have met the same horrible ending that the rest of her squad did.   
And while she couldn’t quite erase the trauma of watching her friends impaled on spikes and transformed into husks, she couldn’t help but think of how Commander Shepard could easily be one of the most charming gentlemen she had ever met in her life.  
In this round, she befriended everyone on the ship. She helped Garrus fetch meals when he missed them because he was too busy tinkering with the Mako, she chatted with Wrex briefly between missions when they were all in the cargo hold, and she learned about the flotilla from Tali. She got along quite well with Kaidan, too, and he did seem like such a charming fellow.  
During a brief respite from their missions, Shepard let them all off on the Citadel to pick up provisions and do whatever they wanted for a few days while she went to butt heads with the Council (“again”, he said with a tired sigh, and when Ashley had raised an eyebrow at this he gave her a charming grin). Kaidan had invited her, if she wanted, to go and watch some movie they were screening. It was a turian remake of Star Wars: Episode XI. She was a little surprised at this, but he said he had wanted a shared experience with someone who may actually have had watched the original. (Apparently Garrus had said that hardly anyone watched the original which had “overly squishy humans”, to which Kaidan could only shrug and say that there was less appeal when the sunlight kept bouncing off certain species’ plates and right into the camera.)   
So Ashley went.   
It was a pretty decent movie, and she thought it was a little strange to have actual aliens playing the, well, aliens instead of using CGI like the classics did, but then this was a remake. They then went to a small café where they sat there and chatted the evening away. At one point, after she had learned about Kaidan’s family and past, the conversation had turned to her.  
“Do you ever miss your old squad?” he asked.  
She pursed her lips, before she nodded. She spoke of her fallen squadmates, from Edwards who could eat a burger in two bites, to Leona who could whistle the sweetest song to human (or otherwise) ears.  
Then there was a lull in the conversation, and Ashley watched the hordes of the evening crowd move about their business as they walked past. Suddenly, Kaidan spoke, in a voice so low it was almost a whisper.  
“If the Commander ever had to choose between us, who do you think he would pick?”  
Ashley raised an eyebrow, flushing slightly. “I kind of assumed Shepard might have been straight, but I…”  
“No,” Kaidan pinched his nose bridge, as though his migraines were back. “I mean, which one of us would he choose to sacrifice over the other?”  
It’s the right choice, LT.  
She blinked. “I…why are you even asking that, Lieutenant? No need to be so morbid.”  
“Y-yeah, you’re right. I don’t know why I asked that. It just…came to me all of a sudden. Stupid L2 implants. Maybe the lunacy is setting in.” Kaidan gave a half-hearted grin, and she mirrored it.  
“I sure hope not. We do need our biotic around.”  
“Glad to know I’m appreciated around here.”

So Virmire came again, as it always did.   
When Ashley heard the word “Virmire”, she wondered why it came accompanied with a sense of dread. Shepard seemed to sense her discomfort, and went to speak with her before they touched down.  
“Problem, sir?” she replied, wondering where this was going.  
“Are you worried about the mission? I could always swap you out for Tali, or…”  
“No, sir. I’m perfectly capable of doing this mission. Have to save those salarians, get to the bottom of whatever Saren’s planning,” she said, quickly.   
Shepard looked at her with his warm brown eyes. “Are you sure there’s nothing wrong with you?”  
Ashley chewed on her lower lip, looking down. The words leapt unbidden to her lips. “Which one of us would you sacrifice to keep the other?”  
“What?”   
She looked up quickly, and Shepard looked very puzzled. If she kept this up, he was definitely not taking her on this mission. Besides, whatever was this question for?   
“Nothing, sir. Just some…nerves.”  
“If you say so. Rest well, Williams.” He clapped her on the shoulder, and his large hand lingered on her shoulder longer than she would have thought normal.  
Strangely enough, she didn’t object at all.

This time (“This time”? Why “this time”, Williams?) Kaidan went to lead the salarians and Ashley stuck by Shepard. As she watched Kaidan move ahead with the salarians, she felt a sudden twinge of guilt. Or was it something else? Ashley was certain it was no different from the worry they all shared on his behalf. It could well be the last time they would see him.  
They picked off the geth, one after the other. Moving through the gatehouses they helped when they could wherever Kaidan radioed for assistance, taking out communications and spare supplies. Ashley ducked behind cover, picking off geth right as Shepard warped their shields and armour.   
“Good one, Williams!” he said, and she could almost hear the smile in his voice.   
Eventually they reached the site where they would plant the bomb. Instinctively she volunteered, and Shepard agreed. As Kaidan radioed for reinforcements, Shepard leapt to action. “Garrus, Tali, with me. We have a lieutenant and hopefully quite a bunch of salarians to rescue. Williams, you should be able to handle this, right?”  
“Consider it done, sir,” she had replied.   
When they left, she had made her final preparations to the bomb, reloaded her weapons and paced nervously up and down in front of the bomb. She heard Shepard barking out orders as they encountered resistance not long after they left her position.   
Then a geth ship arrived, unloading its vicious cargo of geth troops right on top of her.   
“Dammit….they sent reinforcements!” She almost wanted to dive for cover, but at the same time she knew she couldn’t leave the bomb to be disarmed. She turned her back, praying that her shields would hold as she did what she had to.  
“I’m arming the bomb.”  
“What?”  
“Just making sure it goes off, sir.” As her shields shattered, she spun about and broke off the head of the nearby geth troop with the back of her rifle, before releasing a storm of bullets at what she hoped were the enemy. She felt pain as metal shredded through her leg.   
“Commander you have to go back,” she heard Kaidan’s voice. No. No, no this seemed familiar even through the tunnel vision and the piercing pain.  
“No, you outrank me. Go save the lieutenant, sir.”   
There was silence on the radio, but Ashley hardly noticed it as she blinked through blood. When had her helmet cracked?  
“Williams, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site.”  
-  
“It’s been an honour working with you, Commander.”  
-  
She was furious when they were back on the Normandy, but Shepard was just as angry at himself, even if he did his best not to show it. Kaidan had become a close friend to all of them.   
Which one of us would he choose to sacrifice over the other?  
When Shepard walked down to talk to her, she finally looked up.   
“Williams?” he said.   
She scrambled to her feet. “Sir.”   
And then before she knew what she was doing she took a step forward and threw her arms about his shoulders, hugging him tightly. Shepard’s arms reached about her waist and hugged her back.   
“I don’t know if I could have brought myself to have…let you die,” he whispered.  
They didn’t move from that position for a long time.


	2. Once and Never Again

Kaidan blinked as fingers were waved in front of his face. The soft hum of the Normandy’s engines brought him back.  
“You alright, LT? You seemed a bit out of it for a moment there,” asked Ashley, peering worriedly. He smiled, reaching a hand out to rest on her cheek.  
“Just a little headache.”  
Ashley looked worried. “Maybe you should go see the doctor…”  
“No, I’m fine.” He wondered why he had suddenly felt such a strange jolt of pain, unlike his usual headaches. It was almost as though a part of him had died.  
He really hoped it wasn’t some as yet undiscovered side effect of the L2 implants.  
“Well, if you say so.” Ashley grinned easily, taking his hand off her face and clasping it between her smaller but equally battle roughened hands. She studied his hand, stroking the scarred fingers with her own. “I wasn’t expecting this to ever happen, I mean, this thing we have, now…”  
Kaidan glanced about him. It came back to him now. Ashley had approached him at his station where he had been fiddling with the display battle system beside the sleeping pods, where after she had been rather…well, forthcoming with her confession, one thing had led to another. Specifically it led to them locking themselves in the main battery before engaging in a long belated kissing session so passionate and heated it could easily have matched a barehanded battle with a krogan warlord in intensity. Except, of course, much more pleasant.  
Now they were sitting at the table next to the elevator, legs brushing against each other and eyes promising of a much more enthusiastic display of their emotions once they had secured some shore leave.  
“We should probably not make it too obvious. While the Commander isn’t too much of a stickler for the rules…”  
“What does Commander Shepard have do to with this,” she murmured, tracing a finger over his palm, sending a pleasant shiver down his back. “We’re not a bunch of rutting teenagers, I think we can restrain ourselves.”  
He leaned back, uneasy. He felt the nagging feeling of something at the back of his mind, something important. Kaidan knew if he concentrated hard enough, he should have been able to recall, to remember…  
“Kaidan?”  
Ashley was looking even more worried now.  
“I was just thinking…this may be the last time we could ever do something like this. We don’t know what we’re up against…with Saren, the geth…” He held both her hands in his own. “I just know…there’s something big here. Bigger than what we think, and bigger than what the Council wants to believe.”  
Both Kaidan and Ashley looked down at their hands, with only the soft hum of the Normandy’s engines in the background.  
“Which one of us would she choose to sacrifice over the other,” Ashley whispered.  
It wasn’t a question. It was a fact. 

 

Kaidan figured that it didn’t really matter after all, because in the brief moments where he suddenly remembered more than he knew he was supposed to know, things were always good for whoever was left. But he never felt as happy as he would be when he was with Ashley, brief as the times would be—stolen kisses as they passed each other in the cargo hold, gentle touches in the silence of the nights between missions—those few months left an imprint that couldn’t be erased. In the cycles where they met in that manner again, it felt as though something clicked.  
He wondered how he survived the ones where he would be smitten with Shepard, or the ones where she was. Shepard would always be the constant, the powerful force that drove humanity and the galaxy forward through adversity, no matter the incarnation. The actions of their great leader were the variables, with the pawns like himself, Ashley and the rest of the crew being the smaller constants. It was easy to be caught up in the energy, but Ashley…  
…returning to Ashley was like returning home.  
Could it be considered home if it lasted all of a few months?

 

“How do you keep religious when we’ve been through this so many times?”  
“What do you mean, so many times?”  
Kaidan could barely make out the look of befuddlement in the darkness of the hotel room, where they had a few days of shore leave before Virmire.  
“Maybe this time it will be different.”  
“I don’t really get what you’re talking about, LT. Maybe you need to sleep.” She pressed herself closer to him, hugging him tightly beneath the sheets.

 

One time, it was.  
“Shepard, I want to be the one who leads the salarians as the decoys.” Kirrahe’s eyes widened even more as Wrex walked up to him.  
Kaidan turned. “Commander, are you seriously going to—“  
“Wrex, what are you talking about?”  
“This is something I have to do. It involves the fate of my people. If there’s anyone suited to drawing the attention of armies, the krogan seems the most likely candidate,” he growled, gripping his shotgun that suggested that he would probably eradicate the geth entirely on his own.  
Kaidan watched as Shepard stared at Wrex, who maintained a steady and stubborn stare in return. Try as he might he couldn’t keep down the rising feeling of hope—as long as the choice was not for Shepard to make between him and Ashley, could it be that this would finally be the day…the lifetime where both of them would live to see Saren fall together?  
“If you feel comfortable with leading the salarian squad…then yes, Wrex.”  
“Commander!” protested Kirrahe.  
“Captain I assure you that Wrex is more than capable of leading and handling his teammates, and since he has volunteered I believe that shows his comfort with working with salarians. In any case, he is a good fighter, and your men could do with the extra strength,” Shepard explained.  
Kaidan gave a hopeful glance toward Ashley, but she seemed occupied, facing Shepard but her mind clearly miles away.  
-  
“Alenko. Is there a reason why there’s a smile on your face right as we march into enemy territory?”  
“No, Commander. I’ll stop.”  
-  
There was plenty of reason for Kaidan to stop smiling once they crossed into the first gatehouse. For starters, it seemed Saren had enough of a budget to hire half of Tuchanka to guard the facility in this cycle. It took them much too long to take out all the troops, no matter how quickly he charged his biotics at them and crushed their shields. A krogan mercenary charged into Shepard, sending her through a supply crate. Ashley leapt in and gunned him down with a shotgun, the only thing that seemed capable of stopping the bastards.  
Unfortunately they also only worked in close range.  
“Ash, get back!” he yelled, and as she dived clear he fired energy right at the krogan, tossing him off the side of the bridge. He rushed over, medi-gel on the ready.  
“Commander, are you alright?”  
She took a while to focus her eyes on him, but she nodded, and pushed herself to her feet. “Thanks, Alenko—“  
“Shepard, can you read me? We are taking heavy fire. Those turrets just took out half the squad. Get off your ass and back us up here!” shouted Wrex over the radio.  
“Shit. We need to help Wrex, double time,” she hissed between gritted teeth, as she pushed herself forward with a visible effort. Ashley followed quickly, knocking out the expended thermal clip of her gun. Kaidan was momentarily stunned at the realisation that the situation was far from normal.  
“Commander you should probably—“ He was cut off as the door flew open with a blast and a flurry of bullets came right at them. Kaidan’s hands shot up and created a barrier, but he was too late.  
“Commander no!” cried Ashley as Shepard crumbled to the ground. Kaidan threw a few shots of energy toward the doorway, sending geth flying, as Ashley knelt by her to administer first aid.  
“Ash, move Shepard behind cover. I can’t defend all of you in the open.”  
“R-right.”  
Kaidan himself ducked beside the door, peering at his radar. It seemed that there were plenty more enemies ahead, and at the rate things were going, he would have to clear them out mostly on his own.  
“This wasn’t supposed to happen, not this, not Shepard, not here, not now.” He pulled his pistol out of the holster and took down a troop of geth, before his radars dissolved into a mess of static as the geth created interference. He was working blind now, and almost alone.  
“SHEPARD!” Wrex shouted, and Kaidan winced. This wasn’t looking too good. He charged out, ducking quickly from cover to cover.  
“All clear. Commander, come in.”  
“…she’s gone.”  
“Ash?”  
Ashley stepped out from the doorway, shaking her head. “The Commander’s gone. The bullet caught her right in the head. We have to keep moving.”

 

Saren hadn’t been pleased when he couldn’t find Shepard amongst either party that he encountered when he made his appearance. Ashley had been the first to go down, as her lack of biotics made her easier to pick off with that absurd rocket launcher. Kaidan punched in the code to detonate the bomb, before Saren grabbed him by the arm and lifted him up into the air.  
“Where’s Shepard?” yelled Saren, straight into Kaidan’s face.  
“Bite me,” he replied, and that was the last thing he remembered this time.

 

One time, Ashley remembered for a little longer.  
“Do you suppose that there’s ever a world where the both of us have a happily ever after?” she murmured, tracing the scar on his cheek.  
He caught her hand and pressed his lips to the back of her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was unfortunately rushed out, but anyway it was intended to be a rather depressing analysis of what happens when they can't exist at the same time together. Alas, it would make things complicated anyway. Which one of them would be nominated for Spectre then? Which one of them yells at Shepard for joining Cerberus? Can't have both of them doing that
> 
> EDIT: Okay said friend who was partial inspiration for writing this has insisted I edit this. I'll be writing up a final chapter that will either be published today or next next week.


	3. One Of Many Infinities

The concept of probability is the assumption that in any point of time there is a chance that something will happen. There’s a chance that both Ashley and Kaidan survive and have their happily ever after. There’s the more probable event that one of them dies and has their name engraved on the list of soldiers and crew members whose lives were given up for the cause that sits on the third level of the Normandy, greeting Shepard with silence whenever the elevator doors open on that floor.   
Since there have been an infinite times they have gone through this, theoretically that means that there are an infinite occasions during this never-ending cycle of 50,000 years where they have suffered against the Reapers without the other.  
It also means that there are another infinite occasions where they both survive, or where they both die. 

“So how are things back home, Sarah?” started Ashley, smiling as her sister turned on the extranet camera.   
“Oh, the usual. School’s been a drag, but I think I’m doing just fine.” Sarah leans forward with a smile, eyes darting to the side mischievously to ensure their privacy. “James asked me out the other day.”  
“Did he now? Congratulations, don’t do anything stupid, and if he doesn’t drive you back or walk you to your door please dump his sorry ass—“   
“Aren’t you going to ask if I accepted him to begin with?” Sarah retorted, indignant. Ashley laughed.  
“What, were you going to turn him down? You’ve been going on about that one for weeks.”  
“W-well, I actually told him the timing was a little bad, seeing as we do have our exams within the next couple of weeks.”  
Ashley leaned back, folding her arms. “Wow. Never knew you were capable of such self-restraint.”   
Sarah rolled her eyes. “You underestimate me. Anyway, I saw you on the broadcast last night. That Lieutenant Alenko was there, standing beside Commander Shepard. Do they have a thing between them?”  
Ashley narrowed her eyes. “What did I say about saying such silly things? Speculating about other people’s affairs is—“  
“Is that a yes?” she pressed, ignoring Ashley’s admonition.   
“….no. I don’t think there’s anything between them.” For once.  
“Great! Then you have a chance.” Now it was Sarah’s turn to lean back with a satisfied grin. Ashley spluttered with surprise. There was never enough preparation in one’s life to learn how to respond calmly to statements like that.  
“Sarah! You know very well that Alliance regulations…”  
“No one said you had to go off and do the nasty on the Normandy. But you aren’t blind, sis. I’m sure you think he’s cute too.”  
“I think we can agree that my colleague and squadmate is rather decent looking,” replied Ashley, when suddenly she felt the presence of a looming figure right behind her.   
“Holy—“ started Sarah, and lo and behold, Kaidan was standing right there behind Ashley. She nearly reached a hand forward to slam the lid of the portable communicator shut, or maybe she wanted to slam the lieutenant’s head down against the chair hard enough so that he would forget the conversation he may or may not have overheard had occurred.   
But she didn’t want to break any regulations, after all.  
“When you refer to this decent looking squadmate, are you talking about Wrex, Garrus, or me…“ he asked, raising an eyebrow at Ashley.  
“H-hello Lieutenant Alenko!” chirped Sarah cheerfully. Ashley wanted to bury herself. Or maybe bury Sarah.  
“Hey yourself. Is that your sister, Ash?”  
“Yes.” Her voice was a little weird when mumbled from behind two hands covering her face. “Her name’s Sarah.”  
“Well, yes sis, I think I have lots of homework to catch up on. Have to ace those tests and everything. See ya!” And with that, she shut the program down from her end.   
“What a charming sister you have,” remarked Kaidan, smirking slightly.   
“Aren’t they all. Siblings, I mean. Gotta love them or hate them.” She stood up quickly, hoping her face wasn’t as red as she thought it might be. “What did you need, LT?”  
“Well, I was hoping maybe we could…just…talk? But then you seemed a little busy…” Suddenly Kaidan seemed to find a spot on his boots very intriguing as he studied it.   
Ashley blinked. “My sister just cut the connection, so I guess that makes me available for whatever you had planned.” She couldn’t help but chuckle internally at how awkward he looked. Now that Sarah had mentioned it, she noticed that he certainly was quite handsome, with that strong jaw and…  
“Great. Uh…did you by any chance bring cards? Or, you know, we could probably just…talk.”   
Ashley gave a sympathetic smile. “Talking sounds great. Besides, I don’t think you’re in the mood to lose half your salary in one night.”

 

They fell into a comfortable routine where after each mission Kaidan would look for Ashley to talk, after whatever additional tasks assigned to them were completed. Sometimes Ashley would be wiping down all the weapons in storage, and when Kaidan came to talk she would throw an oil-stained rag at him and tell him to make himself busy. She wondered if she was being a little too harsh on him, but he didn’t object, and as a fellow soldier it was part of his duty to care for his weapons too. “No matter how advanced the machines get, they never seem to be able to get at the tiny crooks in joints,” she said once, quoting her father from a lifetime ago.  
It didn’t take long before Ashley told him almost all of her family history, about how all of them were involved in the military, and how she wanted to work hard to prove that her family was worthy to serve humanity. She explained how she had had initial misgivings regarding their multiracial crew, but how they were essentially more ‘human’ than she could ever have imagined, and about how she had observed that these traits were perhaps much more universal than anyone could have thought.  
Kaidan listened, and seemed interested in all she had to say. In turn, he told her all about his past with his training in BAaT, about Rahna, and about his experiences in the Alliance Navy. His life was certainly a lot more exciting than hers had been, but he said it in such a straightforward manner that seemed almost deadpan. Ashley realised it took more than a few conversations before his insecurities regarding his actions in taking out Vyrnmus.  
“You did the right thing, and even if she didn’t accept you for it, I want you to know that none of us here would ever think that way,” she said, when the conversation steered in that direction once again, and the beer on the table was rapidly consumed as he remembered it. He clearly hadn’t gotten over it as well as he thought he had.  
“So I keep telling myself,” he mumbled.   
“Besides, maybe she was just young at the time. I don’t think any teenager could get used to watching someone die right in front of them.” She leaned forward, and put a reassuring hand over his. “You can’t blame yourself, Kaidan.”  
His head shot up. “Wait, say that again.”  
“…you can’t blame yourself?”   
“No, wait.” He sat up straight, suddenly completely sober. “You said my name. Kaidan. That’s a first.”  
“Were you even listening to anything I said before that?” Ashley said, annoyed. “I break protocol by calling you by name and that’s—“  
“No, I…guess I like it.”  
Ashley raised an eyebrow. “Like me calling you by your name? You’re acting rather strange.”  
“I suppose liking someone makes them act strange,” he replied, somehow managing to maintain eye contact. Ashley took a moment to digest that.  
“Oh.”  
“…..”  
“…..”  
“In case that wasn’t clear, it was a confession,” Kaidan said, flushing slightly.   
“I got that part.”  
“…and?” He sounded hopeful.  
“I suppose I…wouldn’t mind. You aren’t half bad, LT, so…yeah.”  
Kaidan sat back and exhaled a visibly relieved sigh. “That’s great.”  
“I’m surprised it took you so long, since you already overheard that conversation I had with my sister,” she said, amused.  
“So it really was about me?” he asked, eyes widening in surprise.   
Ashley sighed and closed her eyes. 

 

It was one of those nights off the Normandy and on the Citadel where they spent the night watching the stars from the viewing platform that Kaidan suddenly said, “Do you suppose that maybe this may be the one time the both of us survive Virmire?”  
Ashley had never heard of Virmire. “What’s Virmire?”  
Kaidan turned, and looked at her for a long time. “It’s a constant.”  
She didn’t understand. “I’m sure we’ll get through this just fine. Our bonds are much stronger this time.” She didn’t really know what that meant.  
“No matter what happens, I’m always glad whenever we get the opportunity to be together like this,” he said, almost in a whisper, turning back to study the scenery.   
Ashley reached her arms about his neck, surprising him that he turned. “I’ve missed you,” she said, before kissing him straight on the lips.

 

“So this is Virmire,” she muttered to herself as they waited for Captain Kirrahe to commence the mission.  
“In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve been on Virmire for quite a couple of hours now,” remarked Garrus, running some final checks on his sniper rifle.   
She watched as Kaidan addressed the salarians that he would be leading as the decoy team. Shepard would lead the rest of their squad through the compound, arming the bomb and destroying the facility from the inside out before anyone noticed.  
While Kaidan would take the bulk of the fire on his own, leading the salarians who already promised themselves as sacrifices for the benefit of the galaxy, ready to do whatever it took to ensure the army of enslaved krogan would never come to be.  
She couldn’t take it.  
“Ma’am, could I make a request?”   
“Williams. What is it?”  
“Let me go with Kai—Lieutenant Alenko’s team. One more person isn’t going to unnecessarily bulk up the decoy team, and you don’t need me here.”  
“I need everyone here.”  
“He needs the help more.” He needs me more.  
Shepard pondered this for a while. “Sounds fine by me. Grab your gear. Alenko’s moving out soon.”  
“Yes ma’am. Thank you.”  
“Take care of yourself…and him,” she said, parting with a small smile.   
Ashley flushed slightly. Word travelled fast on the Normandy.

 

It seemed that Ashley was right, and that having the both of them on the same team did indeed help reduce mortality rates for the decoy team. While she let Kaidan take the lead in command, she also helped coordinate specific attacks.   
“Flank the enemy at three o’ clock!” she yelled, and a few salarians leapt to the side to ambush a few approaching geth. She blasted them to smithereens with her shotgun, grinning behind her helmet. The mission was going smoothly, and Shepard’s team was eliminating the backups that they needed to cripple the facility’s defences. They proceeded to the AA tower, holding off the rest of the geth and mercenaries.   
Shepard’s voice crackled from the radio. “Alenko, we’ve planted the bomb. Do you need assistance?”  
“Not really, no. We’re holding up just fine,” he responded.   
“Great, then return to the landing site when—“ Suddenly, they were cut off as the sound of explosions and gun shots rang through static.   
“Commander?” Kaidan’s voice sounded slightly tense, as he fired a few biotic bolts from behind cover, taking out the remaining geth. Ashley moved to treat the injured, keeping her shields up.  
“It’s Saren!” she hissed over the radio.   
“We have to get down there,” Ashley said, straightening. She picked off a few stragglers with her rifle. 

 

By the time they did return, Saren had been driven off, and the bomb was all ready for detonation. Shepard greeted them with a relieved smile that seemed years older than Ashley remembered.   
“We have to get moving. The Reapers…”   
Liara cut in. “We should probably discuss that when we’re safely out of this place.”  
“Agreed,” Shepard said, looking slightly dazed. Turning to Kaidan, she said, “Glad to see you guys in one piece. Good thing Ash went along. The Captain will be glad to see that most of his team survived.”  
Once on the Normandy, with Joker taking them out of that awful place, Ashley watched at the facility blew up in a blast of fire, she felt a strange but pleasant click in the back of her mind, as though finally, this was the thing she was waiting for. She turned to her right, where Kaidan was, and he was looking at her too, mirroring her confused expression.  
“We did it,” he breathed.   
“I…guess we did,” she muttered, not entirely sure why, but knowing that they did.  
“Not exactly, no. Sovereign and Saren are still out there, and now we know who our true enemy is. We have to get to Ilos, screw whatever the Council wants!” grumbled Shepard, who hadn’t stopped pacing up and down the room since they’d gotten on.  
“At least we’re all alive,” said Kaidan, not once taking his eyes off Ashley.  
Shepard raised her head, turning to them. With an odd look in her eye, she suddenly seemed calm.   
“You’re right. We did all make it out alive. For once.”

 

And with that, life moved on, the pieces falling together in the puzzle set of existence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go, Chief. This was really hard to write and I blame you for having to materialise this right before I leave.

**Author's Note:**

> It all started with me not realising that the results of your choice at Virmire were permanent, to which my friend informed me that "you can't have Kaidan and Ashley exist in the same game at the same time after the first one".
> 
> Does this make you question the depth of this fic? Well, go ahead.


End file.
